Picking apart the pieces of me. Some to retire, some to keep. Trying to distill out the essences I need, and shed the skins I don’t. What did I love then that I don’t now, and why? What are my new shames, new prides? Reviewing what was, what is, and what is becoming isn’t easy. My first instinct is to believe that I am overthinking it. I contemplate if I am out of the flow. Am I caught up, driftwood in a dam?
For starters, all of my clothes. Even though I have done a deep dive and thorough sorting of my wardrobe, I am not completely satisfied. There are many pieces left that I mostly think I like. Individually, they are fun, cute, and quirky. My spirit as it wishes to be. Cute jobs, fun jobs, quirky friends. Ideas and thoughts, the same. Life like this resonates.
On the other hand, half of it doesn’t even go together! Styles don’t match, an aesthetic pattern doesn’t emerge, and often feels like a collection of old pieces of myself that I couldn’t let go. Mixed with a few new pieces, purposely safe. Is there a classic me that should just remain and get layered upon with new vibes and looks that match? Paper dolls come to mind. Same smile, same hair, different poses. The retreat to a uniform look is tempting, but it doesn’t feel like me. Not even sure how I would begin that. Sounds calming and healthy though.
I have been in a time of transformation; I can feel it. Not sure when it started, how it happened, or when it all changed, but it has. I am left to create my now. I sort of cringe at calling it the “new me” because I like the old me. Yet, I am interested in a refresh and an unveiling of some developing aspects waiting to be free. I see a Bonsai. I want to design a shape that perfectly expresses authenticity. The aura of that must be pleasing.
How about the way I spend my time? What I do for fun. Here I find some roots to stabilize. Dancing makes me happy. Like really happy. Nothing fancy, just channeling some 90’s young adult, all out jamming to the hits. Reggae and ska also lift me way up. I am just someone who needs to dance it out! I never want to change that.
Taking classes and learning new philosophies, ways of being and seeing, randomly signing up for public activities that sound interesting, and meeting other people who do that too. This is something that has always energized my spirit and creativity. That’s a keeper.
Starting to wonder where it all has led me. Has living the dream brought me to this place where I don’t recognize who I am anymore? Am I truly home, and everything I overthink is just an illusion that plays games with me? “How can I know where we stand, you and I?” I say this to the mirror, she smiles.
It may be time to take off the architect hat in which I attempt to plan the future so predictably. Instead, indulging in the anticipation of how daily decisions and unexpected joys continue to un-wrap the mystery that is my life. A wild garden filled with great surprises. A work of art by nature. Alive in the moment with gratitude for the gift and for the pleasure of it.
Here is where I’ll firmly plant my feet.
Always earthing,
Violet
Cheers to the old times and the good times and may the new ones be amazing too and live forever more in your box of favorite memories!